Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
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this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”