How do dragons blow out candles?
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A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Can’t stop laughing
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Chemical wingman
Always leave them wanting their money back.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.