Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies