Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
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*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
are they though??
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Wait a minute…
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.