Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
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Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.