Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are