I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Worst perfume name ever.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?