I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.