The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
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Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Oh hi lol
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Meow
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*