My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.