Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
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Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.