Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
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ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Big Sex has us all fooled
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.