People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
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Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.