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He’s cranky this morning
what the
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible