Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
You Might Also Like
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
greetings!
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
can’t catch a break
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.