Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
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If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.