‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
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I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park