Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.