[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern