Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
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[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first