[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
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I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery