[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Baller is short for ballerina
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
im 7 sauces long
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”