I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no