Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
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People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Safety first
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
It’s an epidemic…
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed