Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
You Might Also Like
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt