Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??