I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
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I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
ok this is my dumbest yet
oh u like geography? name every lake
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.