Cause of death: Zumba
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Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out