imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Danger is very dangerous
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Mouse
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”