[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
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*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My typo game is string.
next question.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My boss called in sick of me
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.