*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
You Might Also Like
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.