My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
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Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you