When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.