Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok