I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
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The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.