“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
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Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
oh you like architecture? name three walls
#MeanwhileinCanada
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Finally
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
When they try to steal your moment.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood