I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
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“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Every photo I’m tagged in
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does