Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
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In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.