Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
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in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Rt to bother an English speaker
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Taliband
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
This is my favorite one of these!
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.