Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
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“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month