7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
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Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I think this should do it.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M