How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
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The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Worth the read.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.