I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
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I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.