GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
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Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Me trying to look natural in photos
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”