The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
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when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
is this store having a stroke wtf
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!