Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
never ask a starfish for directions
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Sooo many times…..
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.