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(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
not seeing the problem
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with