Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
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I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I take back everything bad I鈥檝e ever said about the Welsh
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Someone: you鈥檙e the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can鈥檛 move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
welcome back
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that鈥檚 the biggest one
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
This is Facts right here 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn鈥檛 have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?