[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
me irl
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day