My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
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free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
You had me at “define legal”.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?